I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My life is pants optional.
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