But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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