I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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