if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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