At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
