she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
