So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
