dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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