woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
