it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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