I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
