apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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