i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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