i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
