Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
