you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
