I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Enjoy the penises
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
