I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
