The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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