I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Green mimosas i think yes
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
