I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
