if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
