Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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