so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
