remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize