I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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