i was born a porn star she said
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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