Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
