Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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