My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
How's work?
Spinning.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
