Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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