can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
