Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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