If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
