im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
