I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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