Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize