You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
