Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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