Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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