you're like a bully in the Christmas story
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
