3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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