Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
