'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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