All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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