Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
