His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
