Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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