at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
