My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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