I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
