tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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