Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I've blown a few things in my day
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
