One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize