if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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