Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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