i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
