R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
This baby is an asshole
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
